Our old friend Kevin Durant is back in the news! Or he was, back on June 30, when he requested a trade from the multifaceted turmoil machine that is the Brooklyn Nets. Since then, much has happened: the last televised (on prime time no less) Jan. 6 hearing, the final two episodes of “Stranger Things” season 4 dropped, and now we’re all expected to know what Pink Sauce is. Meanwhile, the Durant situation has been downgraded from a boil to a simmer, and we’re all just waiting for the slightly oversized shoe to drop.

Without being too obvious, the fact is that every team in the league wants Kevin Durant on their team. But some teams want it more than others. Some teams want it but aren’t willing to sacrifice their hypothetical bright futures for an injury-prone present. Some want it but don’t have the means or the assets to swing it. Again, if Kevin Durant were to appear suddenly in any locker room in the league, nobody would send him away. He’s an all-timer. A generational talent. A franchise disrupter. And every team in the league can and should call the Nets up and try to get away with highway robbery. On the flip side, the Nets will gladly take those calls, but they don’t have to give in. They’re probably feeling pretty shell-shocked already.

That is to say, these Durant/Kyrie Irving/and later James Harden Nets looked like a sure thing. A super-team to end all super-teams, at least on the offensive end. But it didn’t go down like that. So much has to go right to win it all, or even a single playoff game. And maybe this team will become an oft-whispered cautionary tale or a teachable moment when it comes to going all-in on something that looks perfect on paper.

The salient point is, Kevin Durant, our former two-time Finals MVP, finds himself still being an insanely good player (graded on the curve of most everyone else), but is inexorably drifting toward the wrong side of his prime, has been injured a little too much for comfort, and has the recency bias stigma of having been ignobly swept by the Boston Celtics. His social capital is as damaged as it’ll ever get for a player as incredible as he is. So. Who scoops him up? And why? Should every team want him? Yes. Should every team do everything in their power to get him? Mostly yes, but no, not completely.

Here’s why every team should or shouldn’t make a move for Kevin “Steph Better” Durant, loosely ranked from the teams that need him least to most.

29. Golden State Warriors

In the words of Jordan Peele: Nope. The Warriors could put together some of the most enticing packages in the league, with any combination of picks and three or so of James Wiseman, Jonathan Kuminga, Moses Moody, Andrew Wiggins, Patrick Baldwin Jr. and Jordan Poole. I think we all know that a Durant/Steph Curry/Klay Thompson/Draymond Green core is capable of winning it all, or at least, was four or five years ago. This trade would of course disrupt Joe Lacob’s vaunted light-years brain two-timeline philosophy, so it might almost be worth it to smash that all to bits. But in the end, it would be almost an abdication of their hard-fought, unlikely victory in 2022.

The ghost of Durant haunts this organization, whether they want to be forthright about it or not. He never quite fit in; the tension was always apparent, and the slow march to the end was sadly predictable. It’s awkward even now, after hatchets have been buried and everyone’s said the right things many times over. In a way, Durant joining the Warriors set a precedent for any other superstar wishing to join an already established powerhouse. This was always Stephen Curry’s team, even when Durant was winning Finals MVPs and scoring like an efficient madman. Who else would want to voluntarily join a squad that will only ever consider them second best (at most)?

Could the Warriors win another championship (or two) with Durant? For sure. But it seems almost a certainty that in the end, the same issues would arise and derail and ultimately sabotage what should have been a perfect team. Been there, done that. On both sides. If Giannis Antetokounmpo or Nikola Jokic become available, trade everyone, who cares, but we’ve been down the Durant road. Great guy, great player, most of us have nothing but love in our hearts for him, but that already happened.

28. Los Angeles Clippers

Again, with the caveat that if any team could have Durant for nothing, or even you know, not everything, they would jump through fire for that chance. But there are a few teams that just might not need him and the Clippers are one of those teams, assuming both their summer of 2019 acquisitions stay healthy (big assumption!). Kawhi Leonard and Paul George aren’t quite on Durant’s level, but they’re close enough approximations that together and at full power they’re just as valuable. Ty Lue is a great coach. The Clippers have been lurking in the shadows, ready to avenge themselves and their sordid history of postseason failure. And as impossible as it seems, they really don’t need Durant to do it.

27. Boston Celtics

The Celtics apparently offered Jaylen Brown and Derrick White for Durant. The Celtics, the team that swept Durant in the first round en route to the Finals, dangled their best (or if you’re picky, possibly second-best) performer in the championship round. That has to hurt. Yes, it’s a business, but the Celtics are an aggressively homegrown team with a lot of pride and a lot of accomplishments to hang their derbies on. As currently constructed, they still have the chemistry and the talent and the defensive brutality to get right back to the Finals. Which means they could also get there with Durant, but why mess up the unique thing they’ve already built from scratch?

26. Milwaukee Bucks

It’s a no. I mean, no, even if yes, still no. Milwaukee’s problem is not an absence of a top-3 player. They need help on the margins. They need depth. They need shooters. They need Mike Budenholzer to drink his lucky wine. They have Giannis. They’re probably fine.

25. Denver Nuggets

Denver doesn’t need Durant. Bold, I know. But that’s how much we (me) believe in Nikola Jokic. Durant would be great in the Mile High City, obviously, seeing as he’s Kevin freakin’ Durant, but the Nuggets are betting on the return of Bubble Jamal Murray and the potential of Michael “Blue Lives Matter” Porter Jr. Like the Bucks, the Nuggets are a team that already has a player in the top 3-5, and their greatest need is the proper backup and not being afraid to spend money for that supporting cast. Also, to consult a shaman about keeping their second and third options healthy at the same time.

24. San Antonio Spurs

The Spurs are tanking. Just running the calculations here on my supercomputer, but Kevin Durant will likely not help them lose more games. 

23. Minnesota Timberwolves

Unfortunately for the Timberwolves, they’ve got basically nothing left in the ammunition depot after acquiring Rudy Gobert from the imploding Utah Jazz. It’s not like they’re going to offer Anthony Edwards or Karl-Anthony Towns. I’m not going to check this, but it seems as though they don’t own another draft pick until roughly the events of “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.” Sorry T-Wolves. Enjoy being pretty good, though.

22. Detroit Pistons

They have assets, but they’ve also got a fun, organic rebuild going on. A few steps behind Cleveland, but maybe even more intriguing. Even were Durant injected into this lineup, they’re still probably years away from contending for even a Central Division Title, and a few years away is an eternity. So, Detroit would be wise to stay the course. Cade Cunningham is going to look really good in teal and you can’t help but love a team whose center is nicknamed “Beef Stew.”

21. Cleveland Cavaliers

The feel-good team of the year until they collapsed. They could offer Evan Mobley, though they shouldn’t. But again, they’re not quite there yet. They’re a pretty good team that needs maybe one more year of seasoning. Also, the fans love their squad as is. They’re all about the Rust Belt ethos.

20. Dallas Mavericks

A Durant-Luka Doncic Big 2 instantly becomes the most annoying duo in the league. I’m sorry, we can’t let this happen. Luckily, Dallas doesn’t have the necessary treasure trove to wrangle Durant free from Brooklyn. They’ll have to settle for pretending to be briefly interested in Kyrie Irving.

No thank you.

Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

19. Orlando Magic

The Magic have some young talent that Brooklyn might be interested in (including Jonathan Isaac, whose book “Why I Stand” Ben Shapiro lovingly blurbed). The Orlando brain trust knows that it’s unlikely Kevin Durant is going to buy in to the timeline of whatever it is they’re building down there, especially if they have to sacrifice their young talent in the process. The Magic’s pitch is clear: Disney World, no state income tax, and an ownership group fronted by Betsy DeVos’ brother-in-law. So, you know, a mixed bag.

18. Philadelphia 76ers

Do James Harden and Kevin Durant still like each other? That seems like a big consideration before any drastic moves are made, but for the 14th time, it’s Kevin Durant. If there’s any time to make drastic moves, it’s probably now. Luckily, Daryl Morey loves drastic moves. It’s his raison d’etre. If the price is Tyrese Maxey, Tobias Harris and Matisse Thybulle, you go for it, even though you’re going to upset a very passionate 8-year-old fan. Personally, I would never want to make a child weep, but hey, Daryl Morey is built different.

17. Charlotte Hornets

Things are dark right now in Charlotte. The ongoing Miles Bridges situation is horrifying and upsetting and altogether too common in professional sports.

As a franchise, Charlotte has yet to fully shake off the stench of the Bobcats era. Getting Durant, even at this stage in his career, puts them on the map with a vengeance. Michael Jordan comes out from behind the shadows like the Wizard of Oz. But no, it seems unlikely to really consider this until there is more clarity (and hopefully justice-adjacent consequences) concerning the organization’s plans regarding Bridges. 

16. Indiana Pacers

The Pacers are notoriously “fine.” Not good enough to win anything, not bad enough to lose everything. Buddy Hield and Myles Turner (who is so sick of hearing himself in trade rumors he’s apparently moved on to building Lego sets full-time) are fine and good, but not exactly the haul Brooklyn is expecting for their bummed-out future Hall-of-Famer. But Indiana should go for it, because they’ve been unable or unwilling to burn it all down and the hopelessness of this infinite slog to mediocrity has taken its toll on the fan base. 

15. Oklahoma City Thunder

Hoarding draft picks and projects like a dragon hoards his stolen treasure, Sam Presti could throw it all away for the chance to force the prodigal son (or as The Oklahoman called him, “Mr. Unreliable”) to return to the city so nice they named it … Oklahoma City. Durant could start his unnecessary redemption arc and pull a LeBron James, returning to win a championship for the team (sort of) that drafted him. Additionally, pairing Durant with Chet Holmgren would be an unprecedented amount of in-game gangling. 

14. Utah Jazz

They’re not interested in being a good basketball team at the moment. A real “it’s not you, it’s me” situation. No thanks.  

13. Miami Heat

For a team that made the Finals in 2020 and came within five points of making it again this past season, the Heat are strangely not in a position to stand pat and endlessly run it back, despite the craftiness of Erik Spoelstra and the “Full Metal Jacket” boot camp aura that radiates outward from Jimmy Butler. Reports have indicated this is a place Durant might like to land, but I don’t see it. His vibe isn’t very Miami. And Jimmy Butler’s one of the only players not as good as Durant that might not realize it.

12. Portland Trail Blazers

Durant’s already won two championships with Steph Curry, so why not give it a shot with the most Curry-like non-Curry currently in the game in Damian Lillard? Besides, you know, Portland not having anything player- or assets-wise that Brooklyn wants. On the other hand, the Pacific Northwest is beautiful, Durant wouldn’t have to pump his own gas, and he’d get the opportunity to play alongside Gary Payton II. We miss you, Young Glove. 

11. Atlanta Hawks

The Hawks would have to offer everything there is aside from Trae Young and the newly acquired Dejounte Murray: John Collins, Onyeka Okongwu, every draft pick they have left. Durant landing in Atlanta to form a Big 3 with Young and Murray wouldn’t be the Big 3 any of us expected … but maybe it would be the Big 3 we needed. No, it would be a really weird Big 3.

10. Washington Wizards

The Wizards can’t put together a package for Durant because that would invalidate their strategy of paying every last dollar they have to Bradley Beal. It’s not the best strategy in the world, but it’s a strategy.

9. New York Knicks

Never going to happen. The next place Kevin Durant plays will not be a city embroiled in the bodega discourse. RJ Barrett is great, and the Knicks of course can literally offer him and some spare parts and draft picks and see if that moves anyone in The Other Borough, but no, it will not. Knicks fans will have to content themselves with a strong showing in the slightly less Earth-shattering Donovan Mitchell Sweepstakes. 

8. Houston Rockets

A sneaky contender in the Durant sweepstakes! Well, not really, but it would be super funny if Durant got sent to the exact place his former Oklahoma City brethren Harden and Westbrook ended up, before their messy divorces. If I was in a position of power, I’d certainly tell their horrible — but very rich — owner that a city as lovely and basketball crazy as Houston wants marquee names, not a dismal rebuild. I really like Stephen Silas, also. Good guy.

7. New Orleans Pelicans

The vibes are good at the moment, despite the fact that their franchise centerpiece didn’t play a single game in 2021-22. They are a team on the rise and rebounded from a dismal start to fight their way through the play-in and then took a little bit of heart out of the Phoenix Suns in the first round. They’re ready to make a leap. It almost makes too much sense, swapping Brandon Ingram out for Durant, but the Pelicans are hesitant to part with Ingram, who’s been incredible in New Orleans, and a fair bit more dependable health-wise than his once-and-future running partner Zion Williamson. Losing Ingram would be unfortunate, as he’s blossomed in the Big Easy, but pairing Durant with Williamson would be a benevolent act of the Basketball Gods.

If Zion Williamson can stay healthy, the idea of pairing him with Kevin Durant is mouth-watering.

Sean Gardner/Getty Images

6. Chicago Bulls

One thing that Chicago has in its favor is the Bulls brand, largely chiseled by former baseball player and movie star Michael Jordan. Durant in a Bulls jersey just feels right. The loveable, occasionally scrappy team (that fell apart a bit last season) is not quite on the level of the East Elite. Whom do you dangle to Brooklyn to try and pry Durant from their cold, embarrassed fingers? Lonzo Ball? Patrick Williams? Dalen Terry? DeMar DeRozan? Everyone should be on the trade table, except Nikola Vucevic, who is so obviously a perfect Brooklyn Net spiritually it could never work. 

5. Toronto Raptors

The Raptors have played the “trade for a disgruntled superstar” game before and as Warriors fans recall with great sadness, it paid off. The Raptors have the assets on paper that Brooklyn might want, especially if Scottie Barnes comes into play. I just hope Durant is prepared for Raptors fans (who have an intense, sometimes infantilizing parasocial relationship with their players) tweeting “VanVleet Better” to him whenever he has a bad game.

4. Phoenix Suns 

One of Durant’s preferred destinations due to a strange desire to play with Devin Booker, who as everyone knows, is the Waluigi to Klay Thompson’s Luigi. Sorry for being a broken record, but Phoenix should do this, even it means saying goodbye to Mikal Bridges (ouch), Cameron Payne (sigh), Landry Shamet (eh), and fan favorite (I have no idea if this is true, just kidding, it’s not) Dario Saric. Durant gives Booker and Chris Paul what they were missing in the 2021 and 2022 playoffs: an escape hatch. A parachute. Someone to take the pressure off and murder the opposition with silky jumpers and clutch nonsense. Deandre Ayton’s new contract muddles this math, as he can’t be traded for a full year without his consent. Which, hey, good for him.

3. Sacramento Kings

Call me a Northern California exceptionalist, but it’s past time that the agony of the Sacramento Kings ended. They’ve got a great fan base, an underrated city, and our very own Mike Brown is now steering the perpetually sinking ship into port. What would it take for Brooklyn to entertain Sacramento’s desperate entreaties? This is no time to be sentimental! I’d offer De’Aaron Fox, Harrison Barnes, two or three unprotected first-round picks, and a membership to the California State Railroad Museum.

2. Memphis Grizzlies

Memphis could pull off the heist of a lifetime and easily become the favorites for the 2023 championship. They’re already one of the best teams in the league, buoyed by depth, a wild confidence that at times pirouettes into arrogance, and a young superstar in Ja Morant. Warriors fans may recall Morant as the guy who was essentially unstoppable in that punishing, weirdly personal second round series, until he went down with a bone bruise on his right knee (Jordan Poole is innocent). If the Grizzlies could get away with trading Dillon Brooks, some firsts and one of either Desmond Bane or Jaren Jackson Jr., it would be what scientists call a “no-brainer,” especially for a small-market team that historically has trouble luring free agents of Durant’s caliber. Do it. This team would be a nightmare.

1. Los Angeles Lakers

Fresh off a somewhat humiliating but eminently predictable failure to reach even the play-in, the Lakers are in dire need of a talent upgrade to earnestly begin the late-middle-stages of LeBron James’ Last Dance. Pairing Durant with LeBron is a no-brainer, much like pairing Durant with just about anybody, but just about the only “assets” they have are the endlessly maligned Russell Westbrook and like, a first-round pick in 2026. Sorry, Bron. Looks like you’ll have to make do with Austin Reaves!